As youths, Gen Xers experienced a new type of divorce – where Dad may have been distant or part of a new family, Mom may have been disaffected, and both may have seemed detached as they tried to discover whom they would become.

The children? They often were an afterthought.

“Growing up, my brother and I were often left to our own devices, members of the giant flock of migrant latchkey kids in the 1970s and ’80s,” wrote Susan Gregory Thomas in her new book, “In Spite of Everything: A Memoir.”

“Our suburb was littered with sad-eyed, bruised nomads, who wandered back and forth between used-record shops to the sheds behind the train station where they got high and then trudged off, back and forth from their mothers’ houses during the week to their fathers’ apartments every other weekend.”

The passage was part of an adaptation in a recent Wall Street Journal article, “The Divorce Generation” [http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702303544604576430341393583056.html
]. The essay raises serious questions about how generations are affected by divorce, and how each carries forward the lessons learned from its own experiences.

IF they get divorced, it seems Gen Xers have strived for divorce different from that of their parents. Those raised as the product of divorce have struggled in their own way to make divorce – when it happens – a dramatically different event than that which they endured.

One result is more joint custody. In Ms. Thomas’ research and in our family law practice, we find that joint custody makes for happier, friendlier parents who fight less. This inarguably filters down to the children, both in what they witness at home – and how they handle conflict resolution in their own lives.

Moreover, joint custody – or a 50/50 timesharing of the children between each parent – is only possible among friendly parents.

This should be the norm that both parties strive for.

In our practice, we counsel our clients that money, property, possessions and other “things” amassed during marriage might seem worth “fighting for” in divorce. Devoid of real incidents of abuse or neglect, where one parent is trying to protect the children from a truly abusive situation, the children are not possessions to be fought over.

To be sure, the ill effects of dysfunction or instability are not reserved to households of divorce; homes with married parents can nonetheless be dysfunctional to the extent that it affects the children’s character, personalities and futures.

Yet, 50/50 timesharing between loving, caring, nurturing parents should be the norm, not some remarkable exception. It’s an idea we all can endorse.

It’s a battle that’s well worth it, as Miami Heat basketball star Dwyane Wade said, “You need to fight to be in your kids’ lives sometimes.”

South Florida family law attorney Barry I. Finkel is quoted in this South Florida Parenting story on the importance of fighting that battle — and the spoils of victory: the glory of time spent in children’s lives.

On the eve of Father’s Day 2011, make sure you live up to the spirit and meaning of the day.

Charlie Sheen and ex-wife Brooke Mueller

Following Sheen’s very public spectacle – accompanied by his history of public outbursts, substance abuse and violence – it was no surprise that he lost visitation with his twins. Ex-wife Brooke Mueller obtained an injunction and a court order for the immediate removal of the parties’ twin sons from Sheen’s house.

Divorced or separated parents who have legal custody, time-sharing or visitation agreements should behave in public to ensure the ex-spouse has no evidence or cause that may compel the courts to revisit those agreements.

What can people in contentious divorce or separation situations learn from this episode? The goal is to remain sufficiently civil to avoid the involvement of the courts, guardians ad litem or other professionals. Why? Because these court-appointed professionals can dictate your rights and responsibilities regarding interaction with your ex-spouse or children. To do so…

- Don’t make threats. With the rise of domestic violence, the courts rightly have little tolerance for even the threat of violence, either against the spouse or children. Sheen’s history of public threats left the court cautious to ignore him again.

- Watch what you say. Calling your two girlfriends “Goddesses” or your employer rude or vulgar names only raises suspicion of the courts or court-appointed professionals regarding your mental stability.

- If you have a substance abuse problem, seek professional help. If a counselor or therapists advises you to enter rehab, follow their advise. If a counselor suggests parenting courses, take them.

- Watch your private life. If your life becomes a party – especially one witnessed by your children – people may question your fitness as a responsible parent.

In our experience, “everyday” people would have faced far greater scrutiny regarding their custody or time-sharing than Sheen. In many situations, celebrities are surrounded by sycophants who won’t Just Say No to the celebrity’s strange or even dangerous behavior. This circle of hangers-on won’t call the Department of Children or Families or attorneys in an effort to improve the situation.

Had they, the celebrity might have gotten help earlier, such public displays could have been avoided, and the children – young as they may be – could have avoided the situation altogether.

We can only hope that this becomes the wake-up call that Sheen apparently needs. A similar example comes to mind. When her partying and questionable behavior led to loss of parental rights for Britney Spears, the singer quickly dropped from the public spotlight and sought help.

Maybe losing his kids will help Charlie Sheen change. Personal and family therapy may lead to a reunification process.

It’s called “co-parenting,” and occurs among parents who put their child first – and not their own selfish angers and resentments. Too few families can do this. Most want to exclude the other party and his or her family over the holidays.

In fact, settlement agreements historically designate that the children go to one parent one year and the other parent the next year for these holidays. While this makes it very easy for parents to plan and know when they have their children during the holidays, it is less fun for the children.

All kids want their parents to stop fighting and simply be okay to hang out on a major holiday at a big family event. That’s because both parents are special and loved by the children.

Parents often need a reminder that just because their feelings have changed about their spouse or ex, the children’s feelings have not. This article is a great reminder of this. Read the entire story here.

Watch and learn how this important element of family law may affect Ms. Bullock and other adoptive families facing divorce.

The holidays are a festive time for a family to gather and spend memorable moments together – even if that family has been split by divorce.

Just plan ahead – and plan to cooperate.

“From Christmas to Hanukkah to Kwanzaa, each family’s holiday traditions are different. The common thread is spending time together,” said Barry Finkel, a Fort Lauderdale, Florida, family law attorney. “As long as parents work together, the divorce settlement’s child custody or timesharing arrangement can be flexible enough to reflect and respect these differences and traditions.”

Follow these tips to ensure the children – and family – enjoy pleasant and memorable celebrations this holiday season:

Plan ahead. Parents should plan their holiday festivities as best as they can around their time-sharing schedule – always keeping in mind the best interests of the children.

Split the day. If the families traditionally celebrate Christmas day, split the day in half, with one parent getting Christmas morning one year, and afternoon / evening the next.

Split the holidays. If parties celebrate Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, alternating them each year with the children allows each parent to celebrate with the children evenly.

Split the holidays, part II. With eight days, Hanukkah gives families eight opportunities to celebrate. Parents can have their main celebration on any day and arrange each year prior to the holiday how to split the days for religious celebrations and gift giving.

Accommodate out-of-town family. If one parent’s extended family has flown in for the holidays, the other parent can agree to relax time-sharing. While grandparents have no inherent rights regarding timesharing, if they are in town, families can coordinate with one another regarding holiday time-sharing.

Travel time. It’s OK for one parent to make travel plans without the children if it is not his or her year for the holiday with the children.

Celebrate together. Ex-spouses can celebrate with one another and the children if it is an important family ritual – and the parents can get along.

Be mindful of the children – and traditions. Try to observe or maintain traditions important to the kids. Don’t ruin the holidays for them with unnecessary shuffling back and forth or tension between parties. Be flexible. Have fun.

“No hard and fast family law rules dictate how holidays should be handled,” Finkel said. “So long as there is no tension or fighting between the parties that would upset the children, celebrate the holidays and leave the children with smiles on their faces.”

Why? Traditionally, the father worked outside the home, and the mother was the at-home parent.

Much has changed. Many mothers work outside the home, and parenting duties and responsibilities now are evenly split between both parents.

It seemed it was time for the law to change.

Last year, the Florida Legislature did just that. It rewrote Chapter 61 of the Florida Family Law Statutes to, among other things, redefine how the courts were to view roles of each parent. As of October 1, 2008, Florida law required “that each minor child has frequent and continuing contact with both parents after the parents separate or the marriage of the parties is dissolved.” It goes on to “encourage parents to share the rights and responsibilities, and joys of childrearing.”

The goal was – and is – to keep both parents involved in the child’s life. This includes each parents’ involvement in and conversations about decisions regarding such issues as doctor and medical treatment, religious observance, school, trips and vacations, camp, child care facilities, sports and extra curricular activities, and even psychological care. As minor children become adolescents and teens, the parents stay equally involved.

It has been our experience that parents seeking divorce were misinformed about their roles in their children’s lives. Some mothers felt the role of “primary” or custodial parent granted them sole responsibility in the decision-making process. The law’s original language wasn’t intended to grant such responsibility or favoritism to one parent over the other. But for years, that’s the way it was interpreted – and often abused – by parents. In many cases, kids are used as leverage in the parents’ acrimonious struggle for superiority in the divorce process.

So the Legislature removed any confusion. It removed the phrase primary residential or custodial parent. The truth is, neither party has any inherent priority unless a judge ruled such in situations of abuse, neglect, or egregious domestic violence.

The law hasn’t really changed. Just the language has. Now, mom and dad are simply parents with an equal role in the care and rearing of their children. Neither has a presumption of being “better for the kids. Each has “timesharing,” and neither has “custody.”

The Florida Legislature’s change brought the laws into the modern era. Today’s families are better for it.