Just because a couple has divorced doesn’t mean the acrimony or hostilities have ended – or paying monthly alimony or child support payments are any more agreeable. South Florida divorce and family law attorneys see it all the time: The ink is dried on the settlement, but the ex-spouse left to pay alimony or child support decides to flout the agreement or court order and decides not to pay. Bad idea.

Child support and post-dissolution obligations are requirements under the law. Not making these payments can affect the non-paying spouse – legally and financially. Non-payment can be reported to the courts, resulting in criminal legal action. It can be reported to the state, resulting on garnishing of wages or other means to compel payment.

Credit reporting agencies may be contacted. This could lower the debtor’s credit score, which then may negatively impact the ability to obtain credit or find a job.

In Florida, attorneys who withhold child support obligations can be disciplined.

This is a serious issue. But it still happens. What should you do if your spouse withholds alimony or child support payments?

First, discuss it with the ex-spouse. Make sure it wasn’t an oversight.

If it’s obvious the payments were willfully withheld, next, contact the divorce attorney who handled your case. The lawyer can ask the court to intervene. Courts can go so far as incarceration of the ex-spouse if willful non-payment and ability to pay is proven.

Finally, aggrieved parties also can contact the Florida Department of Revenue. Florida takes seriously non-payment of child support. The DOR can demand tax returns to ensure the spouse has the means to pay, and can enforce the order for child support through such remedies as suspension of the driver’s license or passport.

Non-payment of child support is a serious issue. It leaves children in limbo or without vital support – and can permanently harm the financial, legal and personal reputation and status of the non-paying parent. Parents in need of that money should seek remedies quickly should the situation arise.

With National Step-Family Day approaching on September 16, consider the issues families face – and what they can do to reduce friction and jealousy, increase acceptance, ease timesharing and make the step family a positive experience for all.

This transition takes time. Once parents re-marry and bring their respective children together, those children may view each other as strangers for years before they consider one another siblings. Be patient. Expect step-child rivalry amongst the children, or competition with the new step parent, as the new family unit takes shape and individuals find their place.

Next, set aside “alone time” with your children. The parent who remarries must consider his or her children’s feelings. Spending time alone – without the new spouse or other children – will help maintain the bond between parent and child. This can help alleviate any feelings of jealousy or diminished attention the child may feel.

Never let the new step parent speak negatively about the child’s other parent. Never say or hint that the new spouse is “replacing” the divorced parent; nor should the child be encouraged to refer to the new spouse as Mom or Dad. This can cause the child to take sides, defend the other parent, and resent the step parent.

If the ex-spouse remarries, strange emotions will be natural. Hide any awkwardness from the child. Always treat the new spouse with respect. Your children likely will follow your lead and treat that person with respect as well.

Working out everyone’s timesharing schedules can be tricky, especially around the holiday. This is particularly challenging if step parents bring children of their own into the marriage – and doubly so if both spouses remarry. Be flexible. Honor the timesharing, custody or visitation agreements. Changed circumstances could require reopening the timesharing agreement. Discuss this with your family law attorney.

Step relationships can be immensely rewarding for everyone. Kids often have predictable emotions. If the adults strive to be aware of and address anticipated feelings, the children – and the entire family – will benefit.

As youths, Gen Xers experienced a new type of divorce – where Dad may have been distant or part of a new family, Mom may have been disaffected, and both may have seemed detached as they tried to discover whom they would become.

The children? They often were an afterthought.

“Growing up, my brother and I were often left to our own devices, members of the giant flock of migrant latchkey kids in the 1970s and ’80s,” wrote Susan Gregory Thomas in her new book, “In Spite of Everything: A Memoir.”

“Our suburb was littered with sad-eyed, bruised nomads, who wandered back and forth between used-record shops to the sheds behind the train station where they got high and then trudged off, back and forth from their mothers’ houses during the week to their fathers’ apartments every other weekend.”

The passage was part of an adaptation in a recent Wall Street Journal article, “The Divorce Generation” [http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702303544604576430341393583056.html
]. The essay raises serious questions about how generations are affected by divorce, and how each carries forward the lessons learned from its own experiences.

IF they get divorced, it seems Gen Xers have strived for divorce different from that of their parents. Those raised as the product of divorce have struggled in their own way to make divorce – when it happens – a dramatically different event than that which they endured.

One result is more joint custody. In Ms. Thomas’ research and in our family law practice, we find that joint custody makes for happier, friendlier parents who fight less. This inarguably filters down to the children, both in what they witness at home – and how they handle conflict resolution in their own lives.

Moreover, joint custody – or a 50/50 timesharing of the children between each parent – is only possible among friendly parents.

This should be the norm that both parties strive for.

In our practice, we counsel our clients that money, property, possessions and other “things” amassed during marriage might seem worth “fighting for” in divorce. Devoid of real incidents of abuse or neglect, where one parent is trying to protect the children from a truly abusive situation, the children are not possessions to be fought over.

To be sure, the ill effects of dysfunction or instability are not reserved to households of divorce; homes with married parents can nonetheless be dysfunctional to the extent that it affects the children’s character, personalities and futures.

Yet, 50/50 timesharing between loving, caring, nurturing parents should be the norm, not some remarkable exception. It’s an idea we all can endorse.

In a bitter custody battle, a Chicago father convinced the court to grant him full custody of his two children because his wife, who lives in North Carolina, is fighting stage four breast cancer. The kids were to relocate — and leave their mother behind.

The article was enough to enrage some parents — and make others nod in agreement. In the story, the father argued the kids needed stability. The mother unsuccessfully argued that she herself was well enough to provide a stable home to the kids, ages 11 and 5. The wife is appealing.

The ruling raises deep issues. For example, will cancer patients be discriminated against in family matters? Will any illness be used against the sick parent in custody determinations? How much of the judge’s decision was based on the mother’s stage four cancer that spread through out her body?

A child development expert was quoted as saying that children “divide their world into cancer and cancer free, and that children want a normal childhood.” She also said, “the longer the illness goes on, the more maladjustment children have.” Another expert stated that it is important that parents don’t just disappear from children’s lives. Such removal is not good for the children either.

In Florida court, illness is only relevant if it affects a parent’s ability to carry out his or her parental duties. In fact, the judge found that the wife is able bodied and a capable, caring, and loving mother with an excellent relationship with her children.

Admittedly, we don’t know all the facts. Thus, it is impossible to know why the judge ruled as she did. We presume some facts were omitted from the reporting. Our thoughts, though, center on a few relevant points:

- It seems unfair that an illness would be the only reason custody was changed, especially since the mom reportedly was able to care for the children.

- What is “Normal”? In this case, it seems that the quest for normal would result with the ill parent simply disappearing once the children move to Chicago, and “normal” is lost.

- How do children themselves define “normal”? Do children want “normal” over their own parents when the only thing not normal about the parent is the cancer diagnosis? IF the children have been living with the cancer diagnosis, it would seem to be that it was normal to them – and the new custodial arrangement would present an “abnormal” or changed situation.

That being said, kids usually report wanting each parent to have equal time because they like things to be fair.  They don’t like to think one parent deserves them more, or that one parent should be in charge of parenting issues.  Kids view both parents as capable when both have been involved in the childrearing.

What do you think? Please provide a comment.

It’s a battle that’s well worth it, as Miami Heat basketball star Dwyane Wade said, “You need to fight to be in your kids’ lives sometimes.”

South Florida family law attorney Barry I. Finkel is quoted in this South Florida Parenting story on the importance of fighting that battle — and the spoils of victory: the glory of time spent in children’s lives.

On the eve of Father’s Day 2011, make sure you live up to the spirit and meaning of the day.

Then, the potential complexities grew much deeper.

Putting aside the implications for Arnold’s and Maria’s young children (coping and recovery certainly will be tough for their kids), issues raised from this news include tricky paternity matters, including Arnold’s duty to support the child.

This includes how to establish true “paternity” – especially if the mother was married when she had the child, and if any husband (none the wiser regarding the child’s true lineage) treated the boy as his own. Much of this is unknown. As such, we’re speculating on a hypothetical situation.

The issue of “presumption of legitimacy” of a child of the marriage weighs large in most paternity cases.

We are not licensed to practice law in California, so we’ll use the family’s example as if the case were to be tried under Florida jurisdiction and law. Regarding Arnold’s duty to support, under Florida law, this falls to the presumed father of a child. Even if the husband is not the father (and had no reason to suspect he wasn’t), the presumption is that the child is the legitimate offspring of the husband. To that end, most courts would not disestablish paternity – essentially making the child a bastard in the legal sense. If the husband played the role of father emotionally and financially during the child’s life, courts generally will not strip him of that designation.

Given Arnold’s acknowledgment, though, under Florida law, the boy would expect every right and privilege as a child of a high-wage earner.

The father of this young child would have the duty and obligation to pay child support.  To be sure, if Arnold is determined to be the legal father, then the child support obligations would be steep.  He’d be expected to cover most of the child’s expenses including medical and dental expenses and extra-curricular activities.  He might also be expected to pay for private school tuition and related expenses such as books, uniforms, and any other ancillary costs.

These duties and obligations would remain until the boy turns 18 year of age, or if he has not completed high school by his 18th birthday, until he graduates or by the age 19.

The issue of children born as a result of extramarital affairs creates complicated situations.  Each case is different.  While it is interesting to wonder why celebrities, athletes, and politicians often find themselves in these situations, the truth is, they’re real people.  Their lives are made potentially more complex because they’re surrounded by sycophants and “yes women” who won’t ‘just say no.’

They’re often perceived as being above the law, and above the issues of morality.  Yet, Arnold’s tale proves otherwise.

Still, the story of Arnold Schwarzenegger, his mistress and their child is not unique.  As family law practitioners, we frequently see similar cases.  The takeaway: this situation is not unique.  The case of Arnold and Maria is just very public – and provides us a case study in how surrounding issues can play out in the court of law, if not the court of public opinion.

“I’ll never forget the exact moment I realized my marriage was officially over. It was a Tuesday morning in January — the day after Martin Luther King Jr. Day. I remember the sentence I uttered to my sister that morning on the telephone: “I’m not going to work today; I think I’m getting a divorce.” That evening, while my son and I were at a friend’s house, my husband moved out of our home.

“I was ashamed and humiliated and felt like an outcast and a failure immediately following my separation. In the family-oriented community I lived in, I might as well have been wearing a scarlet letter. It was as if I was no longer part of the norm. But licensed marriage and family therapists Dr. Debbie Swayman, DMFT, LMFT, and Karen Kaplan, MS. Ed., LMFT, of Family Therapy Associates, P.A., said what I was feeling was normal.

“You have to recognize that life is going to change,” said Swayman, who with Kaplan co-authored the court-mandated Proactive Parenting and Divorce class for parents of minor children involved in a divorce. “It’s about finding a new normal. There’s no right or wrong. It’s what’s right for you or your child.”

Read the entire story here.

Charlie Sheen and ex-wife Brooke Mueller

Following Sheen’s very public spectacle – accompanied by his history of public outbursts, substance abuse and violence – it was no surprise that he lost visitation with his twins. Ex-wife Brooke Mueller obtained an injunction and a court order for the immediate removal of the parties’ twin sons from Sheen’s house.

Divorced or separated parents who have legal custody, time-sharing or visitation agreements should behave in public to ensure the ex-spouse has no evidence or cause that may compel the courts to revisit those agreements.

What can people in contentious divorce or separation situations learn from this episode? The goal is to remain sufficiently civil to avoid the involvement of the courts, guardians ad litem or other professionals. Why? Because these court-appointed professionals can dictate your rights and responsibilities regarding interaction with your ex-spouse or children. To do so…

- Don’t make threats. With the rise of domestic violence, the courts rightly have little tolerance for even the threat of violence, either against the spouse or children. Sheen’s history of public threats left the court cautious to ignore him again.

- Watch what you say. Calling your two girlfriends “Goddesses” or your employer rude or vulgar names only raises suspicion of the courts or court-appointed professionals regarding your mental stability.

- If you have a substance abuse problem, seek professional help. If a counselor or therapists advises you to enter rehab, follow their advise. If a counselor suggests parenting courses, take them.

- Watch your private life. If your life becomes a party – especially one witnessed by your children – people may question your fitness as a responsible parent.

In our experience, “everyday” people would have faced far greater scrutiny regarding their custody or time-sharing than Sheen. In many situations, celebrities are surrounded by sycophants who won’t Just Say No to the celebrity’s strange or even dangerous behavior. This circle of hangers-on won’t call the Department of Children or Families or attorneys in an effort to improve the situation.

Had they, the celebrity might have gotten help earlier, such public displays could have been avoided, and the children – young as they may be – could have avoided the situation altogether.

We can only hope that this becomes the wake-up call that Sheen apparently needs. A similar example comes to mind. When her partying and questionable behavior led to loss of parental rights for Britney Spears, the singer quickly dropped from the public spotlight and sought help.

Maybe losing his kids will help Charlie Sheen change. Personal and family therapy may lead to a reunification process.

It’s called “co-parenting,” and occurs among parents who put their child first – and not their own selfish angers and resentments. Too few families can do this. Most want to exclude the other party and his or her family over the holidays.

In fact, settlement agreements historically designate that the children go to one parent one year and the other parent the next year for these holidays. While this makes it very easy for parents to plan and know when they have their children during the holidays, it is less fun for the children.

All kids want their parents to stop fighting and simply be okay to hang out on a major holiday at a big family event. That’s because both parents are special and loved by the children.

Parents often need a reminder that just because their feelings have changed about their spouse or ex, the children’s feelings have not. This article is a great reminder of this. Read the entire story here.

The key message, one that most family law attorneys try to tell their clients, is that both parties continue to work very hard to keep their problems out of the public eye. This divorce was effectuated with almost no fanfare – given the notoriety it gained at the beginning.

What’s more, as is common with many celebrity divorces, Elin apparently was offered a significant pay-off for a tell-all tale. She declined. This is an example of a family truly putting the children first.

Among the other lessons:

- The cost of infidelity is not quantifiable. We don’t know the deal they struck. Any prenuptial agreement probably shielded the lion’s share of Tiger’s assets. But the bad publicity certainly took a toll on his earning capacity. Infidelity is not worth the trouble. We’re confident that Tiger believes that in hindsight none of the ladies were worth what he paid in his career, his personal life, his financial life, and for his children.

- Never react. Even when angry, pause, calm down, and take an action. The press coverage of Elin hitting Tiger with a golf club probably was more hurtful and damaging to them than humorous to us. Even for average citizens, such knee-jerk reactions can result in police dispatch and arrests. Think about how your actions will affect your children, your life and that of the spouse you once loved. Always handle yourself with dignity.

- Avoid publicity. During this time in their lives, the couple could have benefited from less publicity – especially negative exposure – and more understanding. Their two small children have eyes upon them, and the very public breakdown will be forever recorded in print and online.